Its so weird to think about the fact that someone isn’t in this world anymore. You could go days or weeks without thinking about someone. Then all of a sudden they cross your mind and you can’t breathe until you know they’re still breathing in this world. Until you hear their voice you’ll make a deal with the devil if you have to. You think about all of the ways you’ll change. You promise you’ll make sure you tell everyone you love them. You’ll do anything if they just answer the fucking phone. Then they do and you feel silly for your moment of panic.
But when you think about them, and they don’t exist in this world anymore, it’s that whole scenario. You have all of those feelings except the relief.
That’s how it is with you Cynthia. I try to pretend i just haven’t seen you in a year. That you’re out there existing in the world. I pretend you’ve found a place to live, that no one hurts you anymore, that maybe you’ve found a way to write again. I keep thinking you’re gonna walk in one day. When someone tells me Cynthia is on the phone for me, that I really can say again, “Which one?”, and this time it will be you.
Because the thought of you not out there somewhere kills me, and i’m afraid it’s only me it kills. I’m scared I’m the only person who misses you. I’m the only person it tears apart. I want to be the type of person you were. Somebody who really could see the soul of everything and just thought this fucking planet was a beautiful place. I just don’t want this planet to exist without someone like you.