she wants to play hearts…

I found out one of my customers is dying today. She didn’t even have to tell me outright. All I had to hear was “brain surgery” and “cancer”. Then there was that look on her face and the way she didn’t answer when my voice hit that 5 year old little girl octave and said “Well I hope everything is going to be ok right?”. How when I grabbed her hand she held it a little too long. how she looked down and tried to not cry. I knew she had been battling it for awhile but she had never looked this bad, never looked this sad.

It made me think of my other customer Cynthia whose death has had me shaken up since the moment i found out last september. About how this past June 10th was the anniversary. How I didn’t even remember until now. And it crushed me. Because I know I’m the only person who thinks about her, who misses her, and I didn’t even remember. 

And I wonder who made me this way? Who made me a sponge for people’s pain? Because if you feel it,I feel it and I can’t even give it away. Something inside of me yearns to be able to take pain away from people and load it on like a backpack. And something inside of me is disappointed in my inability to be able to stretch myself out like an umbrella and cover everyone i love or everyone i believe to be a genuinely goodhearted person.

My mother keeps telling me that life isn’t fair, that I’m a good person. But that doesn’t help me. That doesn’t mean anything. Because every day is just another day that someone lays their sorrows out on the table in front of me when all I’m trying to do is get their finances in order. And i wish I could toss their sorrows aside and let someone else pick them up and take the burden. But I can’t. I have to pick them up like dice and take over this game. Take over these bets and put it all on me. Because I just for once want someone to win. I wanna know this game turns out fair for someone.

 

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