I was eating wedding cake while terrible things were happening. Worlds were crumbling and I was swirling icing around in my mouth, taking pleasure in the things I had been keeping from myself.

I always think my body should react to the universe in times like these. I should have dropped my fork and looked to the sky. Just like when she was dying and I was too busy playing with my friends in the school yard. Constantly blaming my organs and limbs for not immediately stopping. For not feeling the shock. For not recognizing my own world crumbling down.

“I can’t keep running back and forth between grief and high delight.” My favorite quote from one of favorite novels, constantly falling from my lips in all of these moments when I’m caught in the middle and I can’t seem to catch my breath. I’m crying and laughing so much in the same moments they all just blur into something I can’t comprehend.

While terrible things are happening, amazing things are happening too. It seems like a race I don’t want to run, something too exhausting. But it’s a balance, the universe coming full circle. I recognize the faults and I’ll never let them just be ok. I’ll always keep trying. I’ll take those moments of uninterrupted joy for what they are, without guilt. Swirl them around in my mouth and swallow.