Residual Mourning

I’ve been getting emotional lately and thinking about death. I’m constantly worrying about my dad, calling him every night and just needing to hear his voice. I need to make sure he’s made it home safe from wherever he was at.

I get like this, it nothing new. I’ll be perfectly fine. I won’t have even talked to him in almost a week. Then all of a sudden the universe shifts and I need to know where every single thing I love is. I’ll call and there will be no answer. Then everything goes black and one missed call equals death.  I know its all just residual mourning. The hazy leftovers that surround us after loss. We all realize at some point in life that things aren’t permanent. That anything can be ripped from our hands. I just wish I hadn’t had this realization so young. I wanted more time in that innocent joyful bliss that makes us feel like we are all so invincible. That your father can deflect lightning bolts. That we all have this infinite amount of time to make mistakes and hurt each other but somehow make it right.

But usually after these intense moments of fear and emotions I slip back. I take people and things for granted again. Acting like I’m 18, wasting time like there’s no end in sight. But lately I can’t slip back. Because its the future now. And everything I used to fear is closer to reality. More and more I force myself to face what it will feel like to live without the people I need the most. And the more deals I keep making with myself in my head that I will only go back on. Because I know myself. I know the bad credit I’ve built up in the promises department.

I should be ahead of the game. Residual mourning had me set up knowing just what I had to lose and just how easy I could lose it. So today is just one more morning I wake up with that tightness in my chest. That fear wondering if everyone I love woke up this morning. One more day I can’t slip back so easily. One more day I take it all for granted.

One comment

  1. I love you and appreciate you, and I get all of this deeply. Residual mourning comes and goes unexpectedly, and yes, feels like that tightness in your chest. I’m sorry you are going through it/go through it. I wish there was some magic I could send your way. I do understand though, very much so. I go through that yo-yo, too, of worrying and needing to check constantly, to taking everyone for granted. I’d love to find that good medium space to be in. Maybe someday.

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