Lets all hail the modern age. It can show you a picture that will put you in tears. Brings people back in your life that you’d rather forget. It puts you in contact with people you hate. People you blame for taking someone important from your life. People you could easily send a hateful message to. Easily tear them apart. You really could. So you think about it for awhile. You cry it out. You want to so bad. You think about how good you’d feel. The weight it would lift. Because you have a hole and you’ve been filling it for years and you’ve come to the conclusion that its just going to be there forever. So you want to make sure that the person who helped create this hole has some holes too. That the hole they feel is just as big as yours. Because their smiling face doesn’t make you feel like theirs is. But I guess your own smiling face doesn’t show yours either.
So how do you let go? How to you just let things be and move on? There must be an art to it that I don’t know. I want revenge. I want some tears out of someone else for a change. I’m tired of the way this feels. This feeling is sticky and its coating and I can’t wipe it off. I just want to share this. I saw her happy face and all I wanted was to share this. Make sure she wakes up and feels terrible this morning. Just like I felt.
Then I think about my heart. How I’m so full of regret constantly. This would just be another thing. It wouldn’t bring anyone back. It wouldn’t change time. I keep trying to pretend like I can change time. I waste so much time making deals in my head. I’ve wasted so much time trying to let go.
So maybe that’s how you let go, by not wasting time. By not living in your regret. Not trying for revenge or trying to make holes in other people. Not desperately trying to fill holes you know can’t possibly be filled. Maybe you just leave the holes there and you build other things. Things that also make your life worth living. Maybe eventually you won’t care if someone feels the same pain you do. Maybe some day you wish them well. I’m not sure. I don’t know how it all works out. All I know is I didn’t send the message.