I think I broke my own heart.

Sometimes something takes 3 years. I wish I knew how human minds work. I wish I knew how our hearts work too. There’s so much science but they’ll never get it right. There’s always a new case study. Someone new doing something so differently. 

It was just a simple rambling in an email to a stranger. It all just came falling from my lips.  Or from my heart to my fingers into an email, the modern day table. 

Just like that, like it was all so fucking crystal clear. Like I hadn’t curled up into a ball in my bed trying to cry it out for months. Like I hadn’t written a hundred things just like this. Just like that. Like it had always been sitting there inside of my room and my eyes just never settled on it. 

I broke my own heart.

I’ve seen that movie scene so many times. The replay. Where you watch every scene of a relationship over again. Finally see things the way they really are without that hazy glow of love. That hazy glow that makes every piece that doesn’t fit get ignored. That hazy glow that can melt the thickest ice. That hazy glow that could reanimate a dead corpse. It could make you a fucking zombie. 

And to think that all of those gut wrenching months were brought about by your own hands.

But either way, FUCK YOU. You still knew, but you just didn’t care.